Not my proudest moment.

I won a fight with a girl.

Not the most auspicious start to a story, I know, but bear with me.

You see, we had been knocking back shots at a bar, and she thought she was pretty tough, drinking whisky, smoking, and talking of wanting to train-hop like a well seasoned hobo. She thought she could take on someone who outweighed, outreached, and had fought more than she had.

So, we went outside, I took off my jacket, she took off hers, and threw her arms out in the “come on!” fight stance you see in so many jock beat-down street fights.

And I popped her in the nose. Just a short jab, but enough to start the blood flowing and double her up. I could have punched her in the back of the neck and sent her to the ground, but I figured the lesson had been learned.

I hit first, I didn’t posture, I didn’t wait, and I didn’t fight fair. I hate getting hit, so I fought to win straight out of the gate, and I fought dirty. She thought we were going to have some sort of clear signal that the fight had started, and we did have one. The signal was a punch to the nose.

This was also the signal that the fight had stopped.

So I won.

Not something to be proud of, except that I taught her a valuable lesson.

There is absolutely no reason to fight if you can just win.

And all you have to do to win is to fight first and fight dirty. Don’t wait for the posturing, the posing, the kung fu stances, the shit talking. Someone pokes you in the chest and says something about your mother? Don’t say anything about their mother.

Grab their finger and break it, while using your other hand to push their chin back. Step behind their leg with yours, follow them to the ground while holding their broken finger, and punch them in the throat.

Repeatedly.

Over, and over, and over again.

For variety, you can also punch them in the groin.

They won’t say anything else about your mother.

Someone grabs your lapels or shirt collar? Use your hands to push their elbows skyward until they break, and hit them in the nose with your forehead. Broken elbows and noses tend to end things quickly.

Groin kicks, eyeball gouges, biting; hell, if it works, use it.

Fighting is not glamorous. It’s dangerous, it hurts like hell (even if you win,) and nothing good ever comes out of it. But, if you hurt less than the other guy (or girl,) then give yourself a pat on the back.

Fighting sucks. It’s a bad idea with broken knuckles thrown in.

But, if you find that push had come to shove, don’t shove. Aim for the crotch, break bones, and keep going until they won’t get up again until the ambulance has arrived.

Anything else is just a dick flexing contest, and that has got to be the dumbest reason to fight, ever.