Review of some old shit. New naked pictures = new posts.

Since I’ve been pretty consistently sober from the time of my arrival in the land of hot dirt, I’ve re-established sleeping patterns I haven’t had in years. I now remember the original allure of drugs and alcohol, and how they became less of a crutch and more of a peg leg for me over time. It was less something I used to support myself with and more of a part of my day-to-day functioning. You see, ever since I was a little kid I’ve had really terrifying nightmares. As I’ve grown older I think that the nightmares are neat when I wake up... after about fifteen minutes of calming-down time. The conjured imagery of my brain impresses me: sinister, macabre, and outright disgusting. That is, the nightmares impress me after I’ve woken up screaming and calm down and get a chance to reflect on what my brain-movie was doing. The great relief of mind-altering chemicals, for me, was dreamless sleep. Even though I never felt very rested after the first couple of months of being drunk every night, at least the dreams were kept to a dull roar. I’d still wake up by punching myself in the face if I was dreaming of fighting, or come lunging across the room at my housemate with a knife if I was startled awake (still sorry about that, Sage!), or sit upright, panicking, from some weird nightmare. But by and large I slept soundly – if too long and uneasily – when wasted out of my head. Also, when under the heavy influence of chemicals, I could fall asleep when I needed (read = was drunk enough) to. When I undergo extended periods of sobriety, I lay awake thinking, talking with myself, or just trying to fend off sleep. So I made an uneasy truce with my brain: I would bludgeon it into submission with booze, and it wouldn’t bug me with too many nightmares. As an added bonus, the emotionally distancing qualities of drugs and booze would allow my to analyze, store, and reflect on my dreams as though they were neat cinema. None of this is an excuse or a justification for my love of strong drink, just a set-up for what comes next. Here's the short explanation of how it came to pass that I got on the liquor wagon: nightmares were killed by drinking, I increased my drinking, my body developed a tolerance for booze, and pretty soon my body was dependent on booze for sleep. Then I moved to Arizona and quit drinking. You see, I’m a social drinker at heart. I will and have drunk alone, but that was always to combat the dreams and insomnia and loneliness. Now, having made the conscious decision to move to a state thousands of miles from my friends and family, I can embrace the isolation because I chose it. And, along with choosing that, I decided to have a go at remembering how to sleep without knocking myself unconscious with chemicals. Because, you see, the nightmares come from the places inside of me that I tap for creativity, inspiration, and imagination. It became a question of dealing with the sleepless nights, the cold sweats, and the brutally vivid nightmares, or just trying to kill all of it in a tide of alcohol and drugs. For years, I tried to walk that uneasy truce. To still be creative enough that I felt satisfied with life, but to damp the unquiet things that live in my head enough so that I could sleep. Unfortunately, I feel I made the wrong decision in retrospect. If my brain has something to get out, then I should lance it like a boil. I’ve never been one to back down from a challenge, and not facing the dreams and brain-sketches head-on really isn’t my style, so I’ve just dealt with it, and tried to embrace it. Make it work for me. For years I’ve kept these locked in a cage in my head, sedating them, drugging them, and, unfortunately, like these things do, they grew large and fierce in the dark places of my brain. I used to try and stay awake until dawn, because, don’t you know, the bogeyman only comes out when it’s dark. Now I’m paying the piper. I let these dreams fester in my head, keeping them hungry and not letting them feed. I reach, sometimes, when I wake up, for a beer or a bottle of whiskey, just a touch, mind you, to help me back to sleep, because I really can’t tell you there are no monsters in my closet until I see it during the day, when the shadows don’t have any corners to play in. Welcome to my brain. Here are my nightmares, now that they’ve gotten out of their cages. Like a kid locked in the basement, once he gets out, the only thing to do is throw his ass all the way out the house and tell him you didn’t want him in the first place. He isn’t welcome back. I’m lying in bed with a girl, who is curled up facing the wall. I am on my back looking at the ceiling. I was asleep, but for some reason I’m awake now. Across the room from the foot of the bed is a closet, and it’s totally dark in the closet, but I know something is in there. Slowly, a hand moves out of the closet, onto the ceiling. It the hand of a little girl, covered in dirt. Then, another one comes out onto the ceiling, followed by a head and neck. She starts moving across the ceiling pushing herself with her palms and heels, she is face down, keeping her torso close her ‘floor’ and she is wearing a dirty white nightgown that I can see her legs moving under, but as she moves further and further into the room, the nightgown stays attached to the darkness in the closet: growing as though it is some sort of umbilicus. I know she was buried under the closet and dug her way out of her grave. She has long black hair and is wearing some sort of collar, and she has very dark eyes. I cannot move at all, except my eyes to watch her crawl across the ceiling. She looks a lot like the little girl from “The Ring.” The girl next to me is still sleeping, and I know that the girl on the ceiling is coming for her, and that she can’t see me for some reason. As she reaches the wall that leads down to where the girl and me are sleeping, she flips over and starts crawling down, head first, on her belly. At first I think she is smiling, but the dark area around her mouth is blood, and I notice that she is not wearing a collar, it is actually a ligature strangulation mark. She was strangled so strongly that the rope cut through her windpipe, and I hear a clotted whistling sound as she moves. She isn’t breathing; it’s just the bellows-like contraction and expansion of her chest as she moves forcing air in and out of the throat wound. Apparently, so much blood was forced into her head while she was being strangled that her eyes filled with blood and popped. They bulge out of her head like ruptured black hardboiled eggs and run down her face. That’s why I thought she had very dark eyes. By now, she is right above the bed, and crawls onto the girl I am sleeping next to. She still can’t see me, and I still can’t move. At first, I think she is going to kiss the girl I’m sleeping next to, but then I see her tongue come out of her mouth and it’s about two feet long. It goes into the mouth of the girl I’m sleeping next to, and she dies. Then, I see the tongue rap up around her eyeball from behind and suck it back into her head. I realize the little girl is taking the eyeballs of the girl who I am sleeping next to so she can use them for her own, and once she has them in her head, she will be able to see me and then kill me. Then I wake up. I am walking home, and an old bum starts following me. It’s cold out, and he’s wearing a heavy puffy jacket, but no pants or shoes. He is smiling hugely and unsettlingly, and his eyes roll around crazily in his head. I think he is giggling. Poor circulation has caused blood to pool in his feet, and they have turned black. When he walks, scabs and sores open on his feet and maggots come out of the rotten flesh (my brain and me thank you for that one, Kelly). He is emaciated, from what I can see, like a concentration camp victim: all knobs and bones and jutting tendons. He is covered in sores. Where his penis should be looks like it was destroyed by frostbite: just a blue-black mass of ruined flesh, slowly seeping blood and pus down his legs. I try and hurry back to my house, but when I look over my shoulder, he has closed the distance between me by about half. I see that his feet are actually hands at the end of his legs, with many-knuckled fingers easily a foot and a half in length. His arms hang down to almost his knees, with similar hands: really long fingers swollen and black. The fingernails on his hands and leg-hands are black and mostly ruined to the quick. It looks like he has been clawing at something, because the flesh at the ends of his fingers is torn to shreds and leaving trails of blood on the ground where he walks and drips. I hurry on towards my house, and get to the door, and check to see if he is still following me. He is now almost within arms reach of me, and I see that he isn’t smiling at all, but that his lips have rotted off and his teeth are almost two inches long. There is flesh sticking out from some of the gaps in his teeth and I know that he ate everyone I lived with, and that he’s waiting for me. His eyes are almost totally pupils the size of baseballs, rolling slowly in their sockets, never looking right at me. Pus runs down his face like tears from his eyes. I go inside, shutting the door right as he’s reaching for me. I look for the people I live with. They are all dead in the basement, but I don’t find them there, I just know that is where they are. I go to bed, lie down, and look out the window and don’t see anything. The old man is gone. I roll over, with my back to the window and hear something. I look out the window again and the old man is RIGHT THERE OUTSIDE THE WINDOW, smearing blood and gore on the window by pressing his spidery hands up against it, rubbing his ruined lips and teeth against the glass and never looking right at me with his rolling crazy eyes. So, those where some dreams I’ve had over the last couple of nights. Like I said, they scare the shit out of me when I’m having them, but on later reflection, I think the visuals are neat in a George Ramero / John Carpenter sort of way. Falling asleep for me now is kind of like climbing into a boxing ring against an opponent I can’t beat. I don’t have to win, but it’s my brain. I can fight it to a draw, come out bloody and scarred, but at least I didn’t run. I just got to fall asleep, sometime, when time is running a turtle race against the dawn, and know that I’m going to wake up again. Sunday, October 17, 2004. 11:15 AM [1 comment ] | [Link to this blog entry]

Archives: 12/21/2004: I DIDN’T WANT THIS TO BE A BLOG, BUT I DON’T HAVE YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS 12/12/2004: CONTEST TIME! 12/05/2004: “HOLD DOWN THE FORT, KEEP THE HOME FIRES BURNING, AND IF WE’RE NOT BACK IN TWENTY-FOUR HOURS, CALL THE PRESIDENT.” 12/01/2004: “This is important, damn it” 11/21/2004: “This I know Is Truth” 10/31/2004: Haiku For You 10/24/2004: Fun With Christian Theology. 10/17/2004: “The Uneasy Truce In My Brain” 10/10/2004: “Scumbags” 10/03/2004: “PRESS RELEASE”

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